30 Ways to Know You’re an Expat Mum in the UAE

By Judith Pasztor Duffy 

Cultural Immersion 

1. You said to your partner “Alright, let's do one more year”; about four cats, three kids and two house moves ago.

2. Looking at your pre-UAE photo album, you’ve heard a well-meaning Filipina exclaim: “Madam! You used to be thin!”

3. You once worried about settling into the conservative Middle Eastern culture, but now happily pop your boob out in Starbucks so your infant will let you finish your chocolate muffin.

4. You think of nothing of introducing yourself to the dentist's receptionist as Madam _______ (insert first name).

5. In moments of deep reflection, you’ve wondered how you will ever live again without cheap dry cleaning delivered right to your door?

6. You’ve declared 40°C with low humidity a “rather pleasant day”.

Ex is for Expert

7. You can pack a suitcase with the precision and finesse of a sushi chef.

8. You’ve considered chopping your hair off and to start frequenting the Lebanese barbers around the corner because you’ve run out of sellable kidneys to finance your monthly cut & colour.

9. You’ve scouted the sky with the passion of an amateur astrologist, so when the new moon appeared you could book a ridiculously overpriced Eid vacation.

10. You've accepted that an “opening soon” sign can indicate anything from 1 month through to 5 years to not-in-your-lifetime.

11. You know that the first thing you’d save in a fire is your stamp-riddled marriage certificate because “I’d never go through that hassle again!”.

12. You keep a note on your fridge with the list of countries you still want to “do” before leaving the UAE.

Baby on Board 

13. You tried to time the conception of your baby so you and your bursting belly wouldn’t be trapped in the country for the entire summer.

14. With the confidence of a Hollywood producer, you’ve auditioned obstetricians for the lifetime opportunity of delivering your firstborn child.

15. Your newborn is the proud owner of at least one - but more likely two - passports before his umbilical stump falls off.

16. On the 100th attempt, you finally managed to snap a photo of your infant with her eyes open - only to be told at the typing centre that the white background wasn’t white enough.

17. Your babies will sooner see the interior of a double-decker Airbus than that of an actual bus.

18. You laughed (so you wouldn’t cry) when BabyCenter urged you to pick up the phone and ask your relations to look after your newborn for a few hours - knowing that your nearest blood relative was fast asleep on another continent.

The Joys & Woes of Motherhood 

19. On occasion, you’d call out to your child in a symphony of languages: “Yalla, mon chéri, let’s go!”

20. In return, by the age of 2, your kid has mastered the art of shouting “No!!!” in several exotic languages.

21. You considered faking your own abduction rather than going to yet another kids’ birthday party.

22. As the proud mother of an only daughter, you’ve been looked in the eye and sympathetically told: “God willing, you’ll be blessed next time.”

23. You’ve asked for the mobile number of another mum just after 2 minutes of aimless chat in your local grocery store. “We should do coffee sometime.” And more often than not, you actually do.

24. You’ve been enormously grateful to women who had to leave their children behind for loving your kids like their own.

Work-Life (Im)Balance 

25. Just 45 days after giving birth, you had to gather up your lady-bits and put on a business suit again - perfectly accessorised with an ultra-absorbent maxi-pad.

26. You boxed up your master’s degree (along with your hopes for a career and financial independence) and became a “SAHM” so your child would still recognise at least one parent in the household.

27. Your husband is away for work so often that he is practically in the same league as Santa and the tooth fairy. Much loved but rarely seen.

28. After getting devastating news from home, you had to jump on a plane crying so hard that strangers stuffed hankies into your pocket and the cabin crew slipped you extra ice cream.

29. You’ve missed so many family occasions back home when you actually turn up to one people keep looking at you as if their celebrity crush just appeared.

30. You’ve learnt that you can miss home desperately even when you are right at home.


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